One of the things I LOVE about being a Mum and getting to be home all day with these girls are the special moments that God gives me during what most of the time seems like a type of controlled chaos...if not all out chaos as I get to just do life with my favorite people. I couldn't even tell you what was going on, other than that I was in the kitchen doing ....'something that needed to be done'...and Adah came walking on by. I happen to be reading one of the Duggar's books which was on the counter,(don't worry we aren't planning on 19 children), and Adah looked at the picture of the entire family. She than continued to tell me...
'well that's a great big family Mummy, and Mrs. Duggar has certainly gone through a lot of PAIN in having all those kids Not me though. I don't like pain, so I'm not going to have any children ...THAT WAY!"
She than went on to remind me that she was going to adopt her children. In that moment time stopped, because I knew it was one of those moments I had the privilege to speak into her precious heart. I started to say first of all that pain isn't something we should be scared of, because sometimes it's necessary for really great things to happen. I told her if I was afraid of pain, I never would have physically birthed Bekah, or Brienna. Than I told her that I also never would have had her, Narae or Hanna.
She looked at me very quizzically and said.."I caused you pain? I thought only my birth mother had pain, since I came out of her tummy."
By that point I not only stopped whatever I was doing but I got down on her level. I first told her that there are all kinds of pain, and the pain I went through to get her was pain in my heart, that felt even worse than the pain of physically having Bekah or Brienna. We talked about the 'pain' we all had as we waited to put our arms around Hanna. Could she imagine not having Hanna? What if we were afraid of the pain of another wait?
I also started to say that her birth Mum unlike me, had even more pain that I couldn't even imagine or have the strength to bear.
Adah's next comment came so naturally.
"Her heart hurt, because she gave me away.... right?"
Oh how my heart broke in that instance. First of all, because the way she said...'she gave me away' sounded so non challant. We always talk to our girls about how their birth mother's made a special PLAN for them. It just made my heart hurt, even though Adah wasn't taking it that way, but to hear her say those words, as if it was something so simple to do, like give away a toy. I told Adah once again how much her birth mother loved her and that her birth mother is the bravest woman, I ever want to know. The pain that it took for her to place her sweet baby in the care of someone else, and give us the opportunity to raise her is a pain that I'll never know. I went on to talk to her about how thankful I am though that she was willing to go through the worst pain of all, losing a child, because it meant I had this precious little girl in front of me.
We than talked about how she didn't just make that decision once, but twice.
Than the most precious little words came out of her mouth as she said..."I really hope I can meet her one day, so I can thank her."
Yes, there were tears streaming down my cheeks by that point, and I said that I sure would like to thank her too because of her, I have Adah and Hanna too. Than yes, I scooped up that lil seven year old and squeezed her til she could hardly breathe, as she quickly let me know! We also than just took a few moments to pray for her amazing birth mother, and that God would take care of her and comfort her heart, and one day that we might get to meet her.
Oh pain.....it can be unbearable. It's something I don't like. I cry like a baby if I stub my toe. Bekah, has a high tolerance for pain like her Dad, but not me. How many times do I try to avoid it at all cost, from the perspective that Adah talks about, totally forgetting that my most amazing blessings in life have come about because of it.
It reminded me as well, that across the world are two women that every day have a pain in their hearts that I won't fully understand. Oh how I felt like my heart was being ripped past the point it could bear on our journey to Hanna this past summer. BUT, I had the joy of daily being in the presence of 4 miracles, all with different labors....but all labors that in God's perfect timing had come to fruition. The day came when I was able to hold Miss Hanna in my arms and every day I now get to wake up to a beautiful face that calls ME, a blonde haired, hazel eyed Canadian....MOMMA. She sees no physical differences....she just knows we LOVE her. I get to enjoy the giggling and squealing when I walk into her room in the morning and belly laugh with her throughout the day. Her birth Mum has given up that joy, out of love like no other, and I have no doubt that every day her heart aches thinking of her and I wonder how many days, SHE HAS where she feels like her pain is something she cannot bear. My pain did come to an end....her pain, the aches of her heart continue......
Oh how I can never forget to pray for these precious women, and pray for a day that I can say with my girls.....thank you for your courage, to go through pain....because of it....I am blessed beyond measure.
Sometimes, we don't see the reasons for our pain. We don't understand the circumstances we face. Adah reminded me in her simple conversation that whether I see it or not....God is at work. The Bible promises me that He will weave masterpieces out of the worst circumstances. To have to put your baby into the arms of a stranger, giving up all rights, not knowing if you'll ever lay eyes on them again, is one of the worst circumstances a person can face, yet because two women faced this very excruciating pain, (not just once mind you) I have a beautiful family, my life is overflowing. My girls birthmothers can't see their beautiful smiles, they don't get the blessing of tucking them into their beds at night, or the comforts and pure bliss of being covered in their hugs and kisses every day. They don't see God at work in my life. They can't see our masterpiece being created, but every day is a miracle to me because of them.
So today, I'm thankful for a simple kitchen conversation in the middle of a very busy day, that reminds me that when I can't see through the difficulties, or I don't understand what God is doing..in my life, or others.....the TRUTH is that God is at work creating a masterpiece. I happen to think it will be a water color, because He promises to collect everyone of our tears, and I know I've cried plenty. Parts of this masterpiece I will never see this side of heaven, but I have to believe with all my heart that God doesn't waste any pain, and one day....I will see the whole thing, come together in the most beautiful mosaic every created. I get to see parts of it now, and those parts already take my breath away.....I can only imagine the full work of art.